Yawn! Off goes the alarm, pull back your GoT Super Soft Luxury Bed Throw (£17.99, Amazon) and GoT Throw Pillow (£22.92, factoryent.com), fish out your cleanest pair of Winter Is Coming GoT Cotton/Vinyl/Spandex Underpants (£10.70, Etsy/SoEffingCute). Wind your Hudson Crafts Original Hand Crank GoT Music Box (£10.97, Amazon) and drop the needle on your GoT: Season 7 Music from the HBO® Series Vinyl LP (£21.99, Amazon), before gazing adoringly into the eyes of your Daenerys With Newly-Hatched Baby Dragon Bust (£95.51, darkhorse.com), which you obviously took to bed with you the night before, you complete weirdo.
Help yourself to a Dishwasher Safe 300ml GoT Glass (£19.96, Amazon) of pomegranate juice, Dornish Red or Shade of the Evening, and brew up a nice cup of duck rose tea in your GoT Tea Is Coming Parody Teapot (£30.56, Amazon) and Night’s Watch Ceramic Mug (£6.99, Amazon). Pour your chilled sour goat’s milk over your Shreddies in your GoT Large Galaxic Glaze Sigils Bowl (£27.95, eBay), chop your toast into little dippy soldiers on your GoT Hardwood Chopping Board/Cheese Board (£12.95, Amazon), and boil yourself up a GoT Drogon’s Hand Painted Egg (£45.99, emp.co.uk).
Time to leave the house, and take your Handmade GoT Direwolf (£158.48, Etsy/MonkeyBusinessToys) for a walk. Pick up your GoT House Stark Dire Wolf Black ID and Card Bi-Fold Wallet (£18.99, Amazon) and GoT House Stark Theme Retro Bronze Quartz Pocket Watch (£11.19, gameofthronesshop.org). Oh, and don’t forget your GoT Stark Keychain (£4.99, Amazon), GoT House Key (£3.25, Amazon), and Jon Snow One Size Night Watch Cloak (£150, Amazon) just in case it’s a bit nippy, in which case you’ll want your Winter Is Coming Beanie (£8.71, Mintymelons) and GoT Leggings (£39.56, Etsy.DevilWalking). Don’t forget your GoT On-Ear Headphones (£19.99, eBay), GoT Shoulder Bag (£32.99, emp.co.uk) and 55-Inch Stainless Steel Fantasy Ice Sword (£624.69, Ecrater) to GoT it in style.
There are plenty of choices from A Feast of Ice and Fire: The Official GoT Companion Cookbook (£19.06, Amazon). Pigeon pie? Goat with sweetgrass, firepods and honey? Or just grab the meal deal from Tesco and scoff it in your Loras Tyrell Helm Mask (£191.62, valyriansteel.com).
Time to do some work. Plug in your Jon Snow 32GB USB Drive (£17.35, Amazon) and GoT USB Wall Charger (£3.99, eBay), get out your GoT Wipe Clean A5 Notebook (£9.59, Amazon) and Hand of the King Blank Scroll Wax Seal Kit (£6.29, Amazon). And time for some teach-yourself GoT-speak, courtesy of your Living Language Conversational Dothraki Book (£19.19, Waterstones).
Are you sitting comfortably? You will be on your Life-Size Replica 160kg Iron Throne (£20,000, sold out) with Night’s Watch Warrior-Style “Boyfriend” Pillow (Sky Atlantic promo item) complete with huggable arm and full-length cape. Your Seasons 1-7 30-Disc Blu-Ray Box Set (£70, Argos) should kill a few hours. Iron, Fire, and Ice: The Real History That Inspired GoT by Ed West (£16.99, Amazon) is a must-read. And, for full balance, why not check out Gay of Thrones (streaming on Amazon Prime Video), where Queer Eye’s Jonathan Van Ness recaps series three onwards, using his “unique brand of panache, flair, and fabulousness”.
Fuck it, I can’t be arsed, can you? Let’s just order a Domino’s.
Friends coming round? Obviously you’ll want to crack open the GoT Monopoly (£27.99, Argos), A Game of Thrones, the Boardgame (£45.43, Amazon) or GoT LED Pinball Table (£8,995, homeleisuredirect). Maybe you’re off out, in which case maybe we’ll see you at Rave of Thrones (23 Apr, Electric Brixton, SW2) featuring a set from DJ Hodor himself.
Pour some Oban Little Bay Night’s Watch Reserve (£65, Amazon) into your Personalised House Stark GoT 260ml Whisky Glass (£8.99, Amazon). Slip into your GoT Nightshirt and Pyjamas (£21.99, Primark). Lights out. Night night. Don’t let the bed dragons bite. I feel exhausted. I’ve spent £30,915.80 on merch. I wonder if anything else is on TV? Maybe next week I’ll try to live like Walter White and at least make some of my money back.
Main composite image: Joff Lee; Primark; factoryent.com; Etsy/MonkeyBusinessToys; darkhorse.com; valyriansteel.com; Amazon
guardian.co.uk © Guardian News & Media Limited 2010